How to Find a Best Friend as an Adult (and Why It Takes Longer Than You Think)

You have friends. You have colleagues you like, a group chat that's lively on birthdays, and people you're always happy to see at a party. What you may not have, as an adult, is the person: the one you call first with good news, who knows the whole story without the backstory. If you are wondering how to find a best friend as an adult, or quietly asking whether it's even possible after a certain age, the answer is yes. It just takes longer than anyone tells you, and it works differently than it did at twenty.

Why It Takes Longer Than You Think

Close friendship is mostly made of time. Communication professor Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes 40 to 60 hours together to form a casual friendship, 80 to 100 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. At school or university, you may have reached 200 hours in a single term without trying. As an adult with a career, a relationship and a calendar, the same 200 hours can easily stretch across many months.

Hall also found that not all hours count equally. Time spent working together counts for less than time spent simply hanging out. That is why a work friend you see every day can still feel like an acquaintance outside the office. Read more in how many hours does it take to make a friend.

Best Friends Are Usually Promoted, Not Found

Here is the shift that changes everything: most adult best friends don't arrive as best friends. They are promoted from the friends you already have. Instead of searching for a stranger who will instantly become your person, look at your existing circle and ask three questions:

• Who leaves me feeling better than before we met?
• Who reaches out to me, at least sometimes?
• Who do I find myself telling things to first?

The names that appear in more than one answer are your candidates. Your task is not to find someone new. It is to invest deliberately in one or two people who are already halfway there.

How to Turn a Good Friend Into a Best Friend

1. Make the time regular

Best friendships run on rhythm. Propose something that repeats, such as a monthly dinner, a Sunday walk or a standing call on the commute. A ritual protects the hours from your calendar.

2. Go one-on-one

Group time builds familiarity, but closeness is built in pairs. If you only see her at parties or with the group, suggest something for just the two of you.

3. Share a little more each time

Depth grows step by step. Offer something slightly more personal than you normally would, such as a worry, an ambition or an honest opinion, and leave room for her to do the same. Forcing intimacy too fast backfires. Gradual openness on both sides is what builds trust.

4. Show up for the unglamorous moments

Anyone can come to the celebration. A best friend comes to the hospital waiting room, helps with the move, and remembers the date of the difficult anniversary. Practical support in hard moments is where a friendship becomes a bond.

5. Stop waiting to be chosen

Many women hold back because they're unsure the feeling is mutual. Research suggests we usually misjudge this. Psychologists at Yale and Cornell found a "liking gap": after conversations, people consistently underestimate how much the other person likes them. The study found the gap could last for months. She may be waiting for you to make the next move.

If You Need to Start From Scratch

If you've recently moved, or your circle has thinned, you may need new candidates first. Choose a few recurring settings, such as a weekly class, a volunteer role or a committee, and show up every time, so that familiar faces can become friends. Our 90-day plan for making friends after moving to a new city walks you through it, and how to turn an acquaintance into a friend covers the step in between.

Signs a Friendship Is Becoming a Best Friendship

• You no longer plan what to say before you see her.
• She is the first person you want to tell, good news or bad.
• The silences are comfortable.
• Invitations flow both ways without anyone keeping score.
• You can disagree and still be fine the next day.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it possible to find a best friend as an adult?

Yes. It usually takes longer than in your school years because the hours come more slowly, but adult best friendships are often deeper and more deliberate. Most grow out of friendships you already have.

How long does it take to become best friends?

There is no exact number, but University of Kansas research estimates more than 200 hours together to become close friends. With regular one-on-one time, that usually means many months, not weeks.

How do I find good friends as an adult?

Join recurring activities that match your interests and values, show up consistently, and move from group time to specific one-on-one plans with the people you like most.

What if my friend doesn't want to be that close?

Closeness has to be mutual. If invitations keep going one way, keep the friendship warm at its current level and invest your time where it's returned. Not every good friend needs to become your best friend.

Where Your Next Best Friend Might Be

In New York, Making Friends in NYC After 30 maps 20 rooms where women in the city actually meet. It's a shortcut to the recurring settings that close friendships grow from. Read our companion piece how to make friends in NYC after 30, or, if you're a little further along, how to make friends in your 40s. Explore all of our guides.